My Journey....

I started practicing Yoga in 2014.  Blindly I stepped into a Vinyasa Yoga class, extremely uncomfortable in my body.  My  inner critic voice was loud and frequently screamed how unhappy I was with my life.  The inner dialog kept me isolated and fearful of beeing seen in the world.  

What I kept hearing in the Yoga room was this:  Keep showing up, it will get easier.  What was going to get easier?  I'd struggled with my body image and confidence my entire life and had no hope that I'd be able to quite down the inner critic so fierce in my mind.  I began to really resonate with the philosphical teachings in class.  Every time I showed up for class, I'd learn something new about myself.  I discovered many things about how I was showing up for myself or not, how loud the voice of my inner critic was, and how in denial I was about the emotional discomfort I was holding onto.  I started to see that I had been using food to numb the emotional discomfort throughout my life, even before 2008 (picture on the left).  This awareness was a valuable discovery.  

With more time in my practice, I realized that there was still emotional discomfort in my life that I was avoiding.  I turned to 'medicinal' marijuana to NUMB (middle picture).  It was legal, so it was easy to convince myself that I 'needed it' to soothe physical and emotional pain.  A few years in denial and I began to realize that just like food, I was overusing something to escape, avoid, and numb.  On August 5, 2020 I attended my first meeting.  The literature states ~ "There is only one requirement for membership, a desire to stop using."  I wanted to stop numbing and start living.

Self study is a life long journey.  It doesn't happen overnight.  They say when the student is ready the teacher appears.  My first teacher was the practice of Yoga and that carried me until I found recovery.  Self Study is one of the Niyamas in the 8 Limbs of Yoga known as Svadhyaya.  The Niyamas are observances that focus on self-discipline and spiritual growth.  Through the work, we are encouraged to embrace an inner gaze with vulnerability and humility.  To observe what our inner critic is saying, but to not react to it.  It simmers the intensity down inside that many addicts have a difficult time doing.  It also encourages us to look with loving eyes as we detach from shame and guilt in what we discover.   

When we work the 12 Steps, we are rediscovering who we are and what triggers led to our addiction.  It is Svadhyaya, just in a different form, as both emphasize honest introspection, willingness, and spiritual growth.  We often hear 'more will be revealed' during our journey in recovery.  The journey continues as long as we are willing to keep actively looking inward.

This is how I've bridged my journey between to worlds, Yoga and Recovery.  We learn to surrender to something greater than ourselves in order to find our way 'home' ~ the authentic version of ourselves before we allowed our addiction to take over.  I'd love to help you explore the journey of self study.  It can be intimidating at first, but with the guidance of someone who has been through the process, together we'll maneuver gently through each new discovery.  Email me to get started on your journey to emotional freedom!